Saturday, December 13, 2008

the collector

he lives in a run down one room apartment big enough for a fold out couch and a leaky bathroom on the corner of 2nd and main. the kind of place where the floors creak because they are tired of holding those that tread their backs, and the walls are simply held up by the infinite layers of paint applied by tenant after tenant. the kind of place the government slaps with a "condemned" sticker in order to build a new strip mall. it is there that he makes his home in between obscurity and madness. every night he falls asleep to the prayers of a single mother wasting away as she scrapes by to keep her five children from starvation, and the desperate cries of the heroin addict tossing back and forth in the violent terrors of another withdraw. and every morning he is awakened by the smell of cheap tobacco that drifts in through his open window, his signal to begin his quest again. he isn't looking for anything specific, just something special. he has no expectations just anticipation for what's to come. this is his profession. this is his calling. this is his passion. this is his life. he is a collector. call it abstract. call it childish. call in unrealistic. call it eccentric. call it a chemical imbalance. that's not what he would call it. to him this is all there is, and it's all that has ever truly mattered. with his eyes firmly fixed to the ground, he scours the ground for anything he can find a use for. nothing is too ruined for him. vestigial buttons covered by mud and soggy leaves that their owners saw no use in keeping. half torn and frayed shoe lace that had met a tragic end in a bicycle spoke. a shattered light bulb whose filament grew weary from burning so brightly. a crumpled love note clinging for dear life to the grate on the street while its ink and poetry spill down into the gutter below. misplaced nails that fell from the workman's belt, unsure of what they were ever meant for. the litter that we so eagerly discard he, just as zealously, finds a home for. he is the collector. restoring purpose to that which seemed to have none. giving meaning and value to the broken and worthless. content with his haul for the day he heads back to the disaster he proudly calls his home. as he comes to the corner of 2nd and main a smile spreads from ear to ear as he looks upon his neighborhood. the kind of place anyone else would wisely go out of their way to avoid for fear of crossing paths with the wrecking ball. but to him this is heaven. he opens the termite infested door and finds a safe place to keep his work until morning. tired and worn out he pulls out the slice of bread with the least amount of mold on it and settles down for the night. he lays his head down to rest and the familiar sound track plays over. a mother trusting that her pleas will travel all the way to heaven, unaware that her words have only a wall to traverse. and the empty groans of a junkie unaware that hope is closer than a fix.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

prince charming

we have proudly arrived at the day when all the ends are justified by the means and a deep grave and a few eloquent words are all we need to bury the killing fields. self-indulgence and self-destruction converge at the place where integrity became too difficult. what is a man? broken promises? bruised wrists? the fleeting shadow by your side? is it this self-seeking, blood thirsty breed we see before us? back turned to those he loved, arms open to an ever elusive mistress, pupils dilated with lust. or have we forgotten what constitutes a man. meant to stand, meant to fight, meant to protect. but now we are all too busy looking for the cure for the pain we have caused. anything to purge that guilt that clings so tightly to our conscience. have no fear, apathy has rooted itself firmly in the void we swear is our heart. truth be told, i can't say i've felt it beat for anyone but me. we would stand up for what we believe in but we have conveniently lost all conviction. we have left our beloved brides searching for restoration in the wreckage that remains of the alter that we have no intention of putting back together. and we abandon our children to search for validation in a spineless and absent role model. since when did forever mean, "when it's easy for me?" and when did daddy become as offensive as profanity. sure boys will be boys if we never expect them to be men. this is where we need to draw the line. this will not be our legacy. we will look north and find our design. we will be what you deserve. we will be men.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

look at what i did

sometimes i think we forget to find fulfillment in the small things in life. we are too busy looking high and low for the next big miracle that we forget to allow the subtle beauties of life take our breath away. the times that make you realize that life has so much value. and the little things that bring us face to face with the amazing intricacies and the very fabric of being human. tonight i had one of those nights where i think god was trying to whisper another one his sneaky lessons into my ears in the midst of all the chaotic static i fill my life up with. i went to pick my younger brother up from his art class just like any other wednesday night, but little did i know the little brother i dropped off would not be the same one i was going to pick up. i in fact was picking up a junior pablo picasso.

my brother loves his art class and he's really good at it. it's a great chance for him to just have some time for himself. he's the youngest, and as such there's a lot that he can't do himself and im sure living in your brothers' shadows can be irritating. hand me down clothes and hand me down rules from sibling to sibling im sure can take its toll. but art class is his and only his. its his time to shine and his hour to create something that had not existed previously. its a pretty simple art class and the other projects have included an array of portraits, watercolor on canvas, and constructing a birdhouse, pretty much just fundamentals. and that's what i expected tonight, but when i walked in i hardly recognized the little artist that grant had become. on a normal piece of white construction paper laid his most epic masterpiece in his short lived career.

in the foreground sat a peaceful red cabin buried in amongst aspen trees that stretched up into the sky. it was as if the branches tore a hole in the sky that the snowflakes on the canvas fell from. and in the background sat a picturesque scenery of mountain ranges. i was astounded by his diligent attention to every tiny detail. this is a kid who can't concentrate on his math homework for ten minutes but can crank out a work of art like it was nothing. i didn't know what to say, i was taken aback. the first sound i could make was something that somewhat resembled a "wow." i asked him if he did all by himself and he just stated in a very matter of fact tone of voice, that of course he did. the teacher said it was one of the best she's ever seen and she even took a picture of it to brag about later.

i couldn't stop raving to him about how great i thought it was and on the ride home he was so proud of it that he held it up to the window so the passing cars could see what he had made. then when we stopped at a light the lady in the car next to us looked over and my brother shrunk down, embarrassed, nervous, vulnerable. this was his heart and soul on paper for her to judge. slowly i looked over to see her response just hoping she wouldn't shake her head in the name of childish immaturity or something like that. but as i looked over a smile slowly creeped across her face. i told my brother to look and as he saw that she had approved, he began to beam with satisfaction and confidence.

the unbridled potential of human nature is remarkable. sometimes we forget to let the people we love just amaze us. we think we know all there is to know about someone and then they always go and prove us wrong by blowing us away all over again. it was a good reminder to simply love and be amazed by those around us and to remind them of how proud of them we are. trust me, there's plenty to take pride in.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

ill do whatever i want, im a robot

in a world where nothing's remembered unless it's famous we would sell our souls just to write our names on the sidewalks of glamour before the concrete dries. we know our promised land awaits and we will do whatever it takes to get there. it doesn't matter how many necks we have to snap or back we have to stab, nothing will hold us back from our chance to shine. friends are just a commodity after all. you may not know who i am and i can't say im really too sure either but it's the price you have to pay to be as adaptable as i am. it's really a simple game, just become whatever they want you to and forget having a definable identity. like the moon has mastered the lycanthrope so the limelight has become our manipulator. we pledge our hearts to relativity in order to avoid conflict. we soak our hands in grey and our lives are dripping in ambiguity. is this what it is to grow up? sometimes i doubt my own maturity because im still hiding under the sheets of my childhood. im not afraid of the dark, im just afraid of what's in it. have we turned the lights out so we can sleep or just to hide the monsters we have unleashed? this is the life we have chosen and this is the path we walk. what we thought was bringing salvation is actually the harbinger of our destruction. we have escaped the reach of the lion just to be greeted by the jaws of the bear. in all this mess we have forgotten our primal need for veracity. not everything is black and white but this color isn't as beautiful as it looked at first. it's starting to fade and so am i. this is the place i always find you. unwavering and standing true while i kneel on skinned knees with my face in the gravel. you are unchanged amidst the hoax that i have to live for. with selfishness deeply entrenched in my heart, you are the catalyst for life.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

nothing more than words

this morning i read a passage from the book of ezra that on most days i honestly would have just glanced over (while probably thinking about something to do with myself), closed my bible, and gone on with my day, but some reason it really made me think today. my fleeting attention was caught by something inside of me that resounded with the passage. the stark contrast between king atraxerxes' understanding of god and ezra's brings out a sad truth about human nature.

first this is an excerpt of atraxerxes' letter to ezra, notice how he refers to god.

" You are sent by the king and his seven advisers to inquire about Judah and Jerusalem with regard to the Law of YOUR God, which is in your hand. Moreover, you are to take with you the silver and gold that the king and his advisers have freely given to the God of ISRAEL, as well as the freewill offerings of the people and priests for the temple of THEIR God in Jerusalem. With this money be sure to buy bulls, rams and male lambs and sacrifice them on the altar of the temple of YOUR God in Jerusalem. You and your brother Jews may then do whatever seems best with the rest of the silver and gold, in accordance with the will of YOUR God. Deliver to the God of JERUSALEM all the articles entrusted to you for worship in the temple of YOUR God. And anything else needed for the temple of YOUR God you may provide from the royal treasury. And you, Ezra, in accordance with the wisdom of YOUR God, which you possess, appoint magistrates and judges to administer justice to all the people of Trans-Euphrates—all who know the laws of YOUR God. And you are to teach any who do not know them."

atraxerxes refers to god as "your god, or the god of israel or jerusalem." throughout ezra the king acknowledges the god of the israelites as a powerful and supreme being worthy to be praised and obeyed but makes it very clear that this god is not his god.

now compare atraxerexes' distant relationship with god to that of ezra's.

"Because the gracious hand of OUR God was on us, they brought us Sherebiah, a capable man. There, by the Ahava Canal, I proclaimed a fast, so that we might humble ourselves before OUR God and ask him for a safe journey for us and our children, with all our possessions. I was ashamed to ask the king for soldiers and horsemen to protect us from enemies on the road, because we had told the king, "The gracious hand of OUR God is on everyone who looks to him, but his great anger is against all who forsake him." So we fasted and petitioned OUR God about this, and he answered our prayer...Then the priests and Levites received the silver and gold and sacred articles that had been weighed out to be taken to the house of OUR God in Jerusalem."

ezra also refers to god as the god of jerusalem but also as his own personal god and the god of his people.

sometimes i wonder if today we can have the same view of god that atraxerxes did. do we think that because god is so huge or so holy that we have no part in him? do we ever think of god as too far removed from our reality that he is irrelevant to us or that our lives don't matter to him? i know im sick of listening to lies of the legalistic priests that live in my head. and im tired of looking up to god through these deistic eyes. for some reason we as humans have this need to explain the incomprehensible. we try to tame and confine god so we can understand him and even manipulate him. we build little god-shaped boxes that we can tuck god into and make ourselves more comfortable with who he is. but god knows no bounds, his very being has no beginning or ending. but still we try to tell god who he is. and we are not the first to do this. the human race has been doing it since day one, and god still has not been tamed or controlled. god is the ultimate paradox.

how can the god of the whole universe be the god of my heart? how can god be both completely just and all merciful? how can something invisible surround us everywhere we go? how can an inaudible god still speak to his creation? how can god hear the cries of all his people? and perhaps the most profound question of them all: how can a holy god love the sinful people that turn their backs on him everyday?

the god of ezra, the god of jerusalem, the god of the israelites, and the god of all of creation is the god of you and he is the god of me. and he is still breaking rules that we set for him. he wants to be the one we turn to and call "our god." and all this is has come to pass in his endless and exceedingly abundant love. he has done too much for us, for us to still think of him as just another religious icon.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

the paralytic('s) faith

I'm sick of weeding through the social propaganda and I'm done wading in this substance less tide. I want something real and I want truth. And I don't mean the kind of "truth" we are fed and told to believe from day one. We come into the world and our first gasp of air is saturated in deception as the nurse holds you up like a trophy, "Aw, look it's so beautiful." And she says this while you are kicking and screaming in all that blood and bodily fluid. Satan himself could not have forged a more blatant lie. A newborn baby, just like this life is not beautiful. Well at least in the classic, Disney princess way we say the word. It's real and it's raw. It's vulnerable and it's exposed. And therein lies the beauty that this life is full of. We just have to look past all the lies to find it. But sadly we are often content to settle for the easy answers rather than wrestle with what's right. We start to compromise for what's comfortable time and time again and it eventually takes its place as truth is our hearts and attaches itself as the parasitic passenger in our lives while deep inside we starve for reality. And the scary thing about human nature is that when we are forced into survival mode we will devour the first thing we can get our desperate hands on, thus continuing the primitive cycle we are taught to fear. So the question must be posed, what is real? Look around and tell me if this is what you want. Is any of this real? We sit back and let the men in suits do the thinking for us. What is our purpose? Do we have meaning? What is there to all this flesh and bone? Everyday we decompose into a higher species that can fend for itself. Are you real? Am I? If I cannot love anyone more than I love myself than let me fade into obscurity, the unwritten pages of some fairy tale that sits collecting dust on some shelf too high to reach. But something tells me we were meant for more than simply existing. I only live when your breath fills my lungs, I'm only alive as my heart beats with yours. You are the absolute. You are the dream that carries me into tomorrow.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

the validity of autonomy

at first glance i look much like you. i appear normal and of sane mind. i may even seem like i have everything together. i wear composure and dignity with a smile on my face but there's something different about me. there's more than meets the eye and it's been following me for oh so long. i thought i left it dead and buried a thousand miles back but it has found me in this new place. it once made its presence known while it would look deep into my eyes, but now it dresses in such subtlety. it sleeps beneath the floorboards, it hides in my shadows, and escapes right past my fingertips. i have seen the aftermath of it's grasp on my life but i've never seen its face. it has worn me thin, it has won again. i can't take this insanity, always checking over my shoulder. my eyes are bloodshot from so many sleepless nights and the paranoia is too much to handle. my weary heart yearns for rest so i'm leaving this all behind. if i leave while it sleeps there will be no way for it to find me, it will never catch me and i'll finally be rid of my demons. i will head to the hills. i will look to the cover of night for safety as i settle in the wilderness, so far removed not even my memories will be able to catch up with me. call it apathy but everything was just fine until it found me again, it always finds me. but how did it follow me all this way? maybe i was too careless when i was covering up my tracks, maybe it knew my plans. i close my eyes and try to tell myself this isn't real, but i can hear it breathing behind me. branches snap beneath the weight of all too familiar footsteps. i can't take this anymore! i'd rather die now than turn around and face my ever elusive nightmare. but i can feel it's stare on my back and it beckons to me in an inaudible voice to look at it. i pray for courage as i turn around but all bravery runs dry as my darkest fears come to life. it's body is hunched over under a million disfigured limbs. none of it's members functions like it was meant to. the stench from every carrion feast still lingers. my insides go cold as i look into it's eyes and i drown in twisted shades of pain and guilt, agony and despair. and then from behind a mouth that has been sewn shut i hear it tell me that this is what i am. could it be that it has been with me all along? right with me in every step? i'm giving up, this is all too much to take in. strip the bark from the trees and leave them bare. i will light a match and set my world ablaze. let it burn and consume every part of my existence, expose me for what i really am. let the truth of who i am be found in the ashes. you are my only hope to rebuild. you are my reality.

Monday, July 28, 2008

poolside

for those of us who, like myself, have spent our whole lives growing up in the church environment there are certain phrases and words that are used frequently that tend to lose their meaning. somewhere within all the sunday school classes, youth group retreats, missions trips, and endless sermons we become desensitized in routine. we hear certain words so many times that we just assume we know what they mean. we are like the dogs that Pavlov worked so hard to condition, we hear something and we immediately know how we are supposed to respond without first thinking about the value behind what we are hearing. we overlook seemingly simple concepts that when explored, have the power to change our lives. we let the meaning die in the familiarity of the words.

one of these all too common phrases i am rediscovering is: child-like faith. ya we hear all the time that we are supposed to have faith like little children but what does that mean? what does it look like to view our relationship with our creator through the eyes of the innocent? we have lost touch with our sense of wonder and amazement in a society that promotes "growing up" as quickly as possible. we are told to give up our dreams as kids because they are unrealistic and immature. then we pretend to have it all together and to be able to do things for ourselves. we push our kids to grow up so fast, that if we blink we miss it all. we forget that life isn't about the destination, it's about what god shows us and does in our lives on the way.

i always used to think having a child-like faith meant viewing things as simplistically as children, savoring the beauty of life and living everyday like it's your first. and i still believe that the joy expressed by children interacting with their world is still how we should approach our loving creator. but as i thought about it more, another component of the nature of children stood out to me and brought the term, "child-like faith" into a new light for me.

think about your childhood and how you handled something new. think about doing something you had never done before. think about the first time you ever went swimming. the water looked so deep and terrifying. it was unfamiliar, something completely new. you had now idea if you had what it would take to swim. or would you just sink beneath the blue depths, never to rise again? this was a new frontier. you hesitate for a moment as anxiety begins to fill you but your dad holds your hand and leads you forward, he knew what he was doing and you follow because you know he won't let anything bad happen to you. then the time come and you find yourself at the edge of the greatest thing you've ever done. the pool didn't look this big or deep from further away. you look down and insecurity and fear seize your whole body and you are struck paralyzed with the idea of the unknown. immediately your mind takes over and you turn to leave to safety but then your dad calls out to you. he looks you in the eyes and tells you that you can do it. he reminds you that he will be there for you. they are just words but that look in his eyes and how he says them gives you the strength you need and you jump in.

first you just let your dad take you around the shallow end. then in no time you are off on your own, testing your newly found courage. you abandoned all your fears and left them at the side of the pool, but you couldn't have done it alone. the only reason you jumped in the first place was because you knew your dad would be there to catch you. his love inspired you to dive in with him. and it's the same in our relationship with our heavenly father, whose love is greater than anything we can imagine. we can leave our panic and anxiety at the end of the "pool" and dive into what god has for us. we abandon fear because we know that god will take care of us and will be with us no matter what. too many times i let my desire to know what's next and to control my own life keep me on the edge of something great. but god promises to provide for and love us always. so we have the freedom to dive n and truly enjoy the full life we have in christ, knowing god is watching and directing us.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

false sense of function

today is the day we realize that we were right to fear our aspirations. sometimes ambition leads to a cold, dead trail. our hearts beat like the steady drum of industry. we have fixed our ears to fit the frequency of what we want to hear while we have become deaf to the truth. we have taught our eyes to see in airbrushed pigments while we have become blind to true beauty. we have trained our hands to grasp for the synthetic while our fingertips have gone numb. if creation was meant to find significance in its creator than we have found God, and he looks a lot like us. deep inside we long for something to touch, something to love. but we are merely skin and bones and our hunger will never be satisfied as we carry on with our eyes fixed to the ground in front of us. no one will survive this destructive dance. dysfunction breeds tolerance. every effort is spent concealing the leeches that sleep and grow on the back of our necks. they go on feeding while we have become accustomed to their parasitic kiss. my brother has gone missing, and i have become indifferent while his blood calls to me from beneath the chapel. the sun goes down again and the whole world lets out a collective sigh. tomorrow we will repeat the same desperate cycle. at least we know the routine here in this false sense of function. at least we have control.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

autumn

here i am again. times passes all too quickly while we blink. this is my favorite time of year. this is when the lonely scarves make their way back to kiss the necks of their sun-tanned lovers. this is a time to sit and sip warm coffee in the crisp, afternoon breeze. this is a time to reflect on the beauty of life as auburn leaves light up the sky. this is autumn and it's beautiful. even the word "autumn" has an enchanting sound to it. i think one day when i die beneath the changing leaves with my scarf tied tightly around my neck, i will tell them to write "autumn" on my tombstone. not because it has some deep, philosophical meaning or because i want to inspire thought, simply because it is beautiful. but i didn't always have such an intimate relationship with autumn. in fact i used to call her "fall." those were the days i was i love with her care-free sister, "summer." fall was the reason i attempted so desperately to build a time machine out of cardboard boxes and hulla-hoops in my backyard when i was younger. i used to wish that i could rip fall right out of the calendar. fall meant no more sunny days spent by the pool. fall meant school, homework, and exams. fall meant the end of my social life. fall was always around the corner, it was always tucked away in the back of our minds while we pretended to ignore her. fall was the inevitable. and worst of all, fall was change. it was trying to cope with the ever-changing social ladder that you never wanted to find yourself at the bottom of. it was memorizing hundreds of seemingly useless facts and dates on columbus sailing ocean blue's and 1492's. it meant faded tans and long sleeves. it meant brown bag lunches and soggy sandwiches. it meant growing up, and dare i say, "maturing." maturity, a word made up by adults to justify their boring lives. but one fateful day in fall, everything changed, like things always do. it was one of those overcast days that dares you to sleep the whole day away, but instead i was off to school so i wouldn't find myself working at McDonalds one day, according to my mom. although i would rather have been almost anywhere that there, it was usually easy enough to fake education. just sit there quietly with your eyes focused on a spot just above the teacher's head while you day dream about all of summer's simplicity and the adventures you will have when your mistress returns. but this day was different. i trudged through the halls spilling melancholy with every step, just as i always did after clocking in for another shift. i sat down in some distant seat, if it wasn't in the back row i broke out my tape measure and made sure it was no less than one thousand miles from the front. if i could read the writing on the board without binoculars i was too close. but today, instead of focusing on that faithful little spot right above the Math teacher's head, my eyes drifted to the window. and instead of my mind flirting with the past and my future, my thoughts were trapped in the present, here and now. while the teacher carried on about complex fractions and radical numbers i began to panic inside. what was happening? this is not my routine and this is not comfortable. a leaf flickering in the breeze caught my eye. i tried to tell myself that it wasn't worth my time but the way it danced there on that branch captured my complete attention. soon i felt the cool breeze come through the window and it whispered to me and told me her name. "i am autumn," she said, "and i am not here to hurt you, only to open your eyes." since that day autumn has won my heart with her love. and here is it in her familiar embrace once again. i see a golden leaf clinging desperately to the limb ti will soon no longer know as home. it holds on for dear life, terrified of what's next. scared of leaving the familiar and entering into the unknown. scared that it's not ready for what lies ahead, unsure of itself. "am i ready?" "what am i meant for?" "what if i'm not good enough?" it asks. then i watch as it receives a gentle nudge and it flutters gracefully to my feet. i look at it and i see beauty. i see courage and purpose. it reminds me how precious life is, just like it will remind countless others with open eyes, and maybe even a few still lost in summer's absence. so maybe "autumn" has a little more poetic value than i'm willing to admit. sometimes i guess we find hope where we least expect it to show up.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

narcissism not narcotics

my thoughts wander nomadically through the hostile landscape in my mind, with nothing but these familiar surroundings to occupy the time. i run my hands down the cold stone walls and my fingers rest in the grooves left by maddening nights spent attempting to escape the solitude. guilt settles back in my heart as i glance nostalgically at all the dull and tarnished belongings that have defined my life. a lifetime spent collecting vague ideas. a million controlling possessions that i can't let go. i reluctantly turn my eyes to the mirror. the reflection leaves me feeling empty. this is my body, an elastic canvas stretched thin over rigid limbs. my stomach turns over as i hear footsteps in the distance. i move quickly to the door and hold my breath in my chest. i shut my eyes and pray for deliverance. but they call out to me with a voice that seems to come from inside. they tell me who i am and remind me that they are all i have left. they chant in unison and dare me to look. everything inside me tries to hold back. all curiosity died but compulsion takes over. slowly i open my eyes and pupils dilate as i look through the crack in my dark shelter out into light. my heart pumps panic into my veins and paranoia seizes my racing mind. i look out onto the charred ground and fallen ash. everything is still, instantly i am brought back to the reality of my past and this lonely entrapment. i think back to the body count left in my wake and the isolation of the pandemic. i lock the door and return to the silence. i know your hand waits for me on the other side of this door, you've come to rescue me and i hide in misery.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

defend or pretend

here we isolate ourselves in the middle of a forest of disenchantment. under the cover of the trees we carve a holy city. we cut the infrastructure of a new babylon under the grey clouds in the utopian sky. the branches weave themselves into a thick, impenetrable wall, taking censorship away from god. innocence and ignorance meet at a standard conformity. assimilation is legislated from the alter. all those who weren't quite adaptable enough kneel and pray for mercy in a field of their brothers' blood. pry open the jaws of infants and sing them a soothing song as they choke down the syllables of the cause. we parent a coalition of our own morality. our great system has grown and become self-sufficient. it sinks its ivory teeth into our backbone. our time begins to wind down as prophecy stands fulfilled. the autumn leaves are falling to their frozen burial ground, slowly uncovering our fraud. the ideology we built our foundation on is found to be cracked and withered. our homes are left crushed under the weight of tradition. tonight a consuming fire will paint our night sky. we watch the blaze from afar, a beauty only comparable to the flames that danced so gracefully through dresden.

Friday, March 7, 2008

not so warm and not so fuzzy feeling

So this past week I've been learning a lot about love and putting others first. As a society I think we have the tendency to think of love in a very different way than it is actually meant to be. We think that love is about having a "warm and fuzzy feeling" all the time, about living on an emotional high. We replace the meaning of love with infatuation. We are content loving others as long as we feel like loving them and as long as we feel that they love us. I think this is why a lot of marriages end in divorce, the couple no longer feels love for each other and then they bail. It's the same concept in all our relationships, not only marriage, we need to feel love in order for the relationship to be functional in our minds. To an extent we do need to feel loved, as humans that's who we are. We long for value and acceptance, and that's not bad, we need to fulfill that. But we also make love into solely a feeling and nothing more. But I've been learning that love is more than just a fleeting feeling, it's a concious decision, it demands action. It is a commitment to putting others before yourself. I read a quote this week that said, "True love takes the wants, the needs, and the struggles of others and makes them your own." That is so true, love is not just feeling emotionally attached to someone. Sometimes love is hard, and I know I won't always FEEL love for people but I can always decide whether to love them or not in how I treat those closest to me. This is why it says in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is patient, love is kind, it is gentle, it does not boast, it forgives and forgets, love is an action.

The Small Constitutional Print...

...And as a united people we will rise on the backs of the uneducated. From their sweat a great nation will be nourished, rooted in their veins. From the strength of their hands our legacy will be built in permanence. From the fertile soil of poverty we will feed our country. We will give them a meaning that they can understand and then, from the blood they have spilt, we will fill the trenches while diplomacy stalls. Now this may come across as somewhat drastic or a little undemocratic but consider the cost. Sacrifice is required to maintain our rank on the top, and better to sacrifice their sons and daughters than our own. We must preserve our dream and the spine of our great society. Manifest destiny awaits our glorious arrival. From the bones of martyrs and patriots alike we will construct our empire.

pharmacy

we have backed ourselves into a comfortable corner. all threat has ceased and we have been reconciled to our creator. we lifted our hands of despair in a medical prayer and the prescription was fulfilled, the remedy discovered. the revolution waiting to be sparked by our pentecostal tongues was stifled by our platonic throats. my conviction belongs to the stoics in the valley below. the devil and i discuss matters of faith while the ADHD war deploys reinforcements in my chest. anorexia exposes my ribs while nervosa hunts in the forefront of my mind. i have become a stranger in my own skin. if i could bury my head any further into my hands they'd be a grave. i have withdrawn to sharpen iron bars to keep the casualties to a minimum. these safety precautions have become my cage and the crowd passes a sympathetic glance in my direction, the way they would look at wild animals trapped behind glass or indians on a reservoir. some are so ashamed that they can't even bring themselves to look. this has become too much for me to handle alone. the cap sits loosely waiting for one handfull to restore Zion.

Monday, January 28, 2008

cardiovascular system

Do you remember that day in grade school when your treacher, with her glasses resting on the tip of her nose as she peered down into your naive little eyes, shattered your perception of reality? She came into your life uninvited and, with words like a sledgehammer, smashed everything you thought to be true. You would think that they would train teachers in tactful conflict resolution or breaking the truth in a gentle, non-confrontational way. But no, she just lays it all out there like a surgeon displays a corpse on the cold autopsy table for all to see. She explains to you, in the most maternal voice she can muster, how your heart really ins't the pretty red shape you practiced coloring inside the lines on for homework last week, but that it's actually a big, disgusting, chunk of pulsing muscle. Your stomach drops and your ears go deaf. You can see her plump, overly-red lips moving but you can't hear another word she is saying until the wretched sobs of heart-broken classmates welcomes you back to the real world. Do you remember that day? That was the day that Santa fell off his sleigh and drowned in the Atlantic Ocean en route to the needy kids in Africa. Do you remember that day? That fateful day that you began to question your faith in your parents. If they lied to you about this huge, life-altering scientific fact, what else were they lying to you about? What if the stork didn't really drop you off at their doorstep? And what if that balloon you let go of was burned up by the sun and didn't really make it to heaven? And then she proceeded to inform you that it was just a small part of some big, bloody system with tubes and veins. And she commanded you to listen as this chunk of meat pushes the gorey mess through your whole body. Do you remember that day? That is the day that the Tooth Fairty was squashed under a little boy's pillow as his head rolled on top of her fragile body while she collected his baby teeth. Do you remember that day? When seconds seemed to last an eternity as you anticipated some kind of heart failure. You couldn't take your mind off your beating chest for fear that it might suddenly and inexplicabably just stop working. All the other kids were laughing and having a good time on the bus ride home but you were too busy concentrating on feeling your pulse the whole ride to join in with them. Do you remember that day? The day your heart became a ticking time bomb. That was the day that the Easter Bunny ventured into open season territory looking for a shortcut home from a long day of hidding eggs. Do you remember that day? Well I do, and I have never looked at a Valentine's Day card the same ever since.

Cultural Observations from Australia Part I

Anytime you have the opportunity to visit a foreign country and experience a whole new culture, you have a great chance to see life in a completely different perspective than the one you grew up with and were conditioned to live in. And although there may be some crossovers and even a common language shared there are still very noticeable differences in lifestyle to be observed. It is an important aspect as a human being to observe these differences and respect them for what they are. It is such a shame when we have the perspective that our way of life is the only way and all other ways are simply barbaric and just not as good. I believe there is so much to learn from the various cultures and customs of the whole world and we cannot simply limit our view of the world to the way that our native country tends to look at things.

Change and differences are very uncomfortable for us as human beings in general. As people, and especially as Americans, we tend to be creatures of habbit and ritual. We don't like having our lifestyle altered and we want to be comfortable at all times. We resist any slight alteration in the way we normally do things and don't want to be stretched outside of our comfortable routine. There is nothing wrong with being proud of where you come from or the lifestyle you chose to live, but I think that we miss a lot of opportunities to learn and be challenged as people when we completely shut out a new and foreign way of living.

I have learned this time and time again when I have been to foreign countries. And somehow I always forget everything I learned from the people in other countries and I go back to my comfortable routine and uncontented attitude. As an American I am always in want of the best new thing and I always seem to take for granted all the things that really matter in life: faith, family, friends, love, hope, and so on.

God has blessed me with a great opportunity to live in the country of Australia. After being here for only one week I have already learned so much from the people and customs. In America we are raised up and told to work hard our whole lives and keep busy all the time. And I'm not saying that working hard is bad or keeping busy is wrong, it is a very important thing to have a diligent work ethic in life. But there are times that we put too much emphasis on "fullfilling our potential" and making money in order to stay ahead of the pack and make it to the top. People settle for jobs that they hate and become work-aholics in order to feel gratification or value.

In Australia the perspecitve is generally quite a bit different. Sure the people still work hard and have a respect for doing well in life and supporting a family but it is a lot more laid back and well balanced. Australians do a great job of discerning between when to work and when to play. Stores open at 10 and close at 5, they stop for a tea break in the mornings, and in general are more relaxed. They still get the job done efficiently but they don't work themselves to death. I think we in the States have a tendency to miss a lot of what God has to show us or great opportunites to love others because we are always busy and love having a full schedule of things to do, whether we admit it or not.

That is something that I have observed and already learned about the Australian culture. It's something that I want to instill into my life, I know it will be hard but I know it will also be worth it.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

american settlers

against the backdrop of indoctrinated reality we derive truth from the hidden corners of our memory. if this is a cult, then label me a zealot. if the fire needs an author, let my fingerprints spell out 'arson.' in the search for the origin of these disasters, find my heart at the epicenter. this pack of wolves calls me their fearless leader but i can see the hunger in their eyes. unfortunately their tastes are pretty indiscriminate. in these modern times we behave so instinctively. like naive pigs, we blindly trust the farmer as he feeds our family to us. but we can't help it, as soon as that meat hits the ground we fight to stay alive. all archaic standards are neglected in our intestines. i step forward into compromise armed with habbits as narcotics. instead of spilling the blood of noble cattle or innocent sheep we supply the atonement with the steady stream of our collective cocaine nosebleed. an offering of the purest intent. we search for significance in a new, foreign land. but when did exploring become settling?

"we are half-hearted creatures fooling about with drink and sex and ambition. when infinte joy is offered, like an ignorant child we go on making mud pies in slums, because we cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at sea. we are far too easily pleased." C.S. Lewis