narcissism not narcotics

my thoughts wander nomadically through the hostile landscape in my mind, with nothing but these familiar surroundings to occupy the time. i run my hands down the cold stone walls and my fingers rest in the grooves left by maddening nights spent attempting to escape the solitude. guilt settles back in my heart as i glance nostalgically at all the dull and tarnished belongings that have defined my life. a lifetime spent collecting vague ideas. a million controlling possessions that i can't let go. i reluctantly turn my eyes to the mirror. the reflection leaves me feeling empty. this is my body, an elastic canvas stretched thin over rigid limbs. my stomach turns over as i hear footsteps in the distance. i move quickly to the door and hold my breath in my chest. i shut my eyes and pray for deliverance. but they call out to me with a voice that seems to come from inside. they tell me who i am and remind me that they are all i have left. they chant in unison and dare me to look. everything inside me tries to hold back. all curiosity died but compulsion takes over. slowly i open my eyes and pupils dilate as i look through the crack in my dark shelter out into light. my heart pumps panic into my veins and paranoia seizes my racing mind. i look out onto the charred ground and fallen ash. everything is still, instantly i am brought back to the reality of my past and this lonely entrapment. i think back to the body count left in my wake and the isolation of the pandemic. i lock the door and return to the silence. i know your hand waits for me on the other side of this door, you've come to rescue me and i hide in misery.