entropy

i stare endlessly at black and white pages, flipping to the next only to give the illusion of a fully functioning mind. there was once color. i'm putting up a smoke screen of stability, some fleeting sense of sanity to help remain afloat. there was once life. truth be told all industry came to a sudden and violent halt long ago. i can't remember the exact time frame because it's been so long since i've examined my resolve and even when i did i looked upon it as a reflection of one's own image in a mirror. close to the truth but never exactly perfect, always slightly distorted or exaggerated. there was once reality. i remember looking up into the clear summer sky waiting for a star to wish on. but the summer breeze is full of carelessness and haste. leaves began to fall as the trees lit into an auburn blaze and i continued to look to the stars, but this time with an urgency. waiting and watching hopelessly as every twinkling star turned into the blinking lights on the wings of airplanes, grounding my dreams on desolate and run down landing strips. the autumn air turned bitter and began to bite at my skin. concealed in cascades of white i stood motionless. yet my eyes remained fixed on a grey and dismal sky. snowflakes drifted about and landed softly, melting on my eyelashes. pretty soon i forgot why i was even looking up in the first place, yet my gaze is unrelenting. there was once purpose. as the seas of white began their retreat a new current of air thawed the ground where i stood for so long. life has returned to everything around me yet my sight remains stubbornly steadfast in a meaningless daze. what happens when the neighborhood starts expanding into my mind? when rows upon rows of picket fences encroach like a rising tide. progress has an insatiable appetite and apathy burns with a holy zeal to finish its master's work. together they walk hand in hand treading on my very thoughts. along the way progress feasts upon my doubt and apathy fulfills manifest destiny as it conforms my will to that of its master. i know it's only a matter of time until this fragile structure collapses under all the pressure. and when it does it will shatter into billions of irremovable, colorless fragments. they will lie dormant within my head just as the dust from the trade centers remains a permanent passenger within the lungs of those that stood and watched them fall. i am resigned to my new frontier. a life of tin and ash under a toxic sky. there was once security. i have none to blame but myself.

the range of decay

i can still remember the look in your eyes the day i buried you. a sort of disappointment crept out from behind the wall of tears but there was no surprise. i didn't think i would have it in me to go through with it but the truth is i didn't feel a thing as i covered up the last remaining hole between you and my world. at first, filled with paranoia, i checked over my shoulder each and every moment to ensure that no one would notice you lying there. slowly, over time, i realized that nobody would ever find you and i even forgot the exact spot i had picked out for you myself. i can still remember the day i chose to end the rest of yours. burning hot with rage, your conviction became too much for me to bear. unfulfilled potential created mountains of expectation in my mind. shame curled up next to me and i haven't stopped loving her ever since. i can still remember scrubbing the dirt from beneath my nails. i dug until my hands became raw from the sharp edges of the course gravel. blood ran down my arms and tears ran down my face but you weren't there to tell me everything would be fine. or were you? i can still remember how we used to walk hand in hand. i can still remember clinging to every single word that fell from your beautiful lips, though few they may have been they sustained the life in these now brittle bones. i can still remember the desperation i felt when we were apart, a love both frantic and uninhibited. and then gradually, your voice became muffled and unrecognizable, a noise accompanied by static and scorn. but memory is a funny thing. i can remember every little detail but your last words to me. i can't even remember the last thing you ever uttered and the worst part is i know that it was the truth i need to see me out of this storm i am dwelling in. i'm up to my neck in my own deceit and the irony is the only one who can save me now is buried under miles of forgotten terrain. is it too late? can you still breathe under all those heavy stones of unbelief? can you even move under the weight of the constricting cords of indifference? or are your lungs full of the corrosive dirt of lust? i will dig until my fingers are cut to bone. but will that be enough? am i too late? i just need to hear your voice again before i am welcomed into my watery sepulcher. the deluge has begun, am i out of time?

doldrums

it's been said that reality is the hardest thing to define. constantly changing and shifting shapes with the fleeting motivation. a trickster creating a thousand new worlds. if chased long enough truth will deliver the fatal bite to its hunter. we all need something to see by. it may glimmer like an incandescent bulb but the light it produces is only artificial. we all need something to live by. it may breathe like a man but the air he breathes is stale, he is copied, a clone, a representation. we all need something to swear by. it may sound like an eloquent ebb and flow but the flood that rushes out from behind these walls will bury cities under a serene, blue canopy of flowing currents. a shore without a sea is a wasteland and a sea without a shore is a tragedy. i remember when i put all my hope in finding a complete resolution to this anatomy. in every corner of this skeleton i have instead discovered unmentionable regret. the gap is widening and aimless purpose becomes sole direction. skin does little to conceal the cracks. with such a complete collection of cognitive capabilities all we could come up with are coffins full of prehistoric concepts. if there is beauty if attrition we may not have been so naive after all.