entropy

i stare endlessly at black and white pages, flipping to the next only to give the illusion of a fully functioning mind. there was once color. i'm putting up a smoke screen of stability, some fleeting sense of sanity to help remain afloat. there was once life. truth be told all industry came to a sudden and violent halt long ago. i can't remember the exact time frame because it's been so long since i've examined my resolve and even when i did i looked upon it as a reflection of one's own image in a mirror. close to the truth but never exactly perfect, always slightly distorted or exaggerated. there was once reality. i remember looking up into the clear summer sky waiting for a star to wish on. but the summer breeze is full of carelessness and haste. leaves began to fall as the trees lit into an auburn blaze and i continued to look to the stars, but this time with an urgency. waiting and watching hopelessly as every twinkling star turned into the blinking lights on the wings of airplanes, grounding my dreams on desolate and run down landing strips. the autumn air turned bitter and began to bite at my skin. concealed in cascades of white i stood motionless. yet my eyes remained fixed on a grey and dismal sky. snowflakes drifted about and landed softly, melting on my eyelashes. pretty soon i forgot why i was even looking up in the first place, yet my gaze is unrelenting. there was once purpose. as the seas of white began their retreat a new current of air thawed the ground where i stood for so long. life has returned to everything around me yet my sight remains stubbornly steadfast in a meaningless daze. what happens when the neighborhood starts expanding into my mind? when rows upon rows of picket fences encroach like a rising tide. progress has an insatiable appetite and apathy burns with a holy zeal to finish its master's work. together they walk hand in hand treading on my very thoughts. along the way progress feasts upon my doubt and apathy fulfills manifest destiny as it conforms my will to that of its master. i know it's only a matter of time until this fragile structure collapses under all the pressure. and when it does it will shatter into billions of irremovable, colorless fragments. they will lie dormant within my head just as the dust from the trade centers remains a permanent passenger within the lungs of those that stood and watched them fall. i am resigned to my new frontier. a life of tin and ash under a toxic sky. there was once security. i have none to blame but myself.